Have you ever been so disappointed that you refused to feel better?

That happened to me recently. I felt distressed about something silly that “should not” have upset me that much. Even though I knew how (with EFT and various other tools), I was unable to calm myself down,

For a few hours, I was like a pouting child. If I was still 8, my Mom (bless her heart) would’ve told me to “Blaas af jou lip,” which means to “Drop your lip.”

In addition, I felt lonely about the issue because my husband didn’t understand why I was so distressed about the situation.

A bit later that day, I spent some time with a dear HSP friend. Her empathy, understanding, and kind words helped so much. It made me realise again how healing it is to not feel alone with our problems… When someone gets us.

This got me thinking about other times I’ve felt lonely with an issue.

Aging popped up immediately for me, as I’ve had interesting conversations with colleagues and friends about this recently.

I guess most of us have a hard time accepting that our bodies are getting older and more ‘hangy’ (thanks, gravity!). I read the other day that we undergo particularly big changes in a short time around 40, and then again around 60.

“Shoulds”

There are so many articles, websites, celebrities, doctors and videos telling us what we should do. “Exercise more, eat better, take these (expensive) supplements.” Yet we can’t always do those things for many reasons, including a tight budget.

I find all the glamorous aging celebrities around me don’t necessarily contribute to a positive mindset about aging. In fact — it can make me feel worse!

How about you?

We don’t all have the $$£££ to get Botox and all sorts of ‘lifts’ everywhere. And a big consideration: it might not fit in with our values. Why should I spend so much money to fit into some fad-y Western cultural norm of ‘looking young’ at 60 while men get to ‘look distinguished’ at the same age?

It sure does make it hard to discuss our honest feelings about aging if there are so many ‘shoulds’ and ‘have-tos’ around us.

Thoughts about Aging from Different Angles

Recently I asked people on Facebook their thoughts about aging gracefully and whether it was even possible. Most of the replies were positive — people had beautiful ideas about it.

That didn’t seem very real from where I, and some of my friends, are sitting.

I’m guessing that the well-meaning peeps who wrote those uplifting comments probably had different thoughts and feelings at first, before working on their mindset about it. In fact, one admitted to that after I asked.

I felt almost ashamed for having asked the question when most replies were so positive. (On reflection, I could have phrased my question differently!)

And I suspect this happens to so many people:

We might experience grief, sadness, resistance, despondency, aggravation, anger, annoyance, bitterness, disappointment, shame, guilt about something… but we’re afraid to talk to others about it because we know (expect) they’re going to try and put a positive spin on it. That invalidation is very hard to swallow.

It’s one of the worst feelings in the world when someone isn’t getting us while they’re plastering a positive bit of icing all over our feelings inside. It doesn’t work, never has, and never will. It makes us feel even more isolated and definitely not in the mood to speak up again.

Have you noticed any of these around your own aging process?

• I don’t like it and I don’t feel good about not liking it!
• I should be doing this gracefully, but I’m going through it kicking and screaming.
• I don’t want to age!
• I’m suddenly obsessed with how I look.
• I don’t like the wrinkles and saggy skin; it’s ugly, even disgusting.
• I spend far too much time looking in the mirror, doing face yoga and fussing.
• I feel a grief and hopelessness about this process… there’s nothing I can do about it.
• It’s just downhill from here.
• There are no benefits to aging, and those who say there are, are just sugar-coating it.
• It’s a one way street to The.End!
• For you, it might be different, nothing to do with wrinkles or sags. Where are the aging thoughts for you?

If you are:  Qelcome to the circle of women who do experience this and are honest about it.

The Inner Work First

My single most important tip is to do the Inner Work about any ‘outer’ issue first.

The truth is — we cannot change the fact that on Earth time does pass — we all advance in years as Earth circles around the sun.

We can temporarily slow down the natural processes of our bodies, yet we cannot stop them completely.

So the best thing I know of is to come to a graceful and peaceful place about our body’s changes.

How do we get to Peace about Aging?

If you know me by now, you might expect I’m going to mention EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques or tapping).

EFT is a simple self-help tool that anyone can learn, to help us get to peace and calm about a distressing issue. It sends calming signals to the amygdala — the main fear and anger centre of the brain (where fight-flight originates from).

I’ve been using EFT for 18 years (as a practitioner, for clients, as well as in my own life) and I love it more every day because of the thorough and profound results it produces.

How to use EFT for Aging Concerns

1. Think about your own aging process and what you feel most concerned about. Jot down a few thoughts, one on each line.
2. Then, take one by one and rate how much each issue upsets you on a scale of 1–10 (where 1 is hardly, and 10 is as bad as it can get). Also, notice where in the body this is affecting you: things like a pounding heart, tight chest, tight shoulders, butterflies or churning in the tummy. Note down the number and body part affected too.
3. Do a round (or a few rounds) of tapping for each statement. After every round, pause, rate the statement again (how upset do you feel now?) and notice the progress.
4. You should start noticing a downward trend in the scale of the ‘upset’ about each of your statements. However — sometimes you might find that the level of emotion stays the same. In that case — usually, you need to get more specific, or there is an underlying root cause that needs closer investigation and tapping.
5. If you’re not making headway I highly recommend making an appointment with a certified EFT Practitioner. They can support you to find the root cause and deal with it effectively. Root causes often originate in childhood — and we need to discover them with gentle loving support, not alone.

An Example:

If you’re thinking: “I don’t like the wrinkles and saggy skin; it’s ugly, even disgusting.”

Rate how much this is upsetting you, where you notice sensations in the body, and what emotion you feel.

Tap on the side of your hand while saying:
“Even though the wrinkles and saggy skin are ugly and disgusting, I soothe and comfort myself.”

Do this 3 times.

Then, use a reminder phrase on each tapping point:

Top of Head: Ugly and disgusting
Side of Eye: Ugly and disgusting
Under Eye: I hate the wrinkles
Under Nose: Ugly and disgusting wrinkles
Chin: I hate the sagging skin
Collarbone: This disgust
Under Arm: Disgust in my body

There are finger points too, but for now pause here. Take a deep breathe in and out. That’s one round.

Check in/test:

Notice how you’re feeling and thinking now when you say the sentence “I don’t like the wrinkles and saggy skin; it’s ugly, even disgusting.”

If it’s lower — well done! Do another round on the remaining parts.
If it’s the same — keep going!
If it’s higher — you’ve really tuned in now — keep tapping, and notice what else has possibly crept in. More fear? Another emotion?

There are so many ways to use EFT tapping to come to a more peaceful place about aging. This is only a tiny example.

If you need support with this, please get in touch here. EFT can work magic with customised support.