“Sometimes the most difficult decisions are what lead us
to who we are meant to become.”
– Hannah Clark –

One morning this past August, my husband and I were chatting in bed, sipping our coffee, when I shared something that had been hard for me.

September is a special time here in our garden in the UK. My favourite runner beans and the Bramley apples were ripe for picking and processing. Last year the apple tree was bare due to a very wet, cold spring and summer… but this year the tree was just laden with fruit. I really wanted to be here to enjoy the abundance of health-giving organic fruit and veg, plus freeze and give some away.

Also, on 16 September we celebrated our 20th Anniversary and we’d been saying for a long time that we’d do something special during that week.

Yet, at the same time, I wanted and needed to visit my mother in South Africa.

Her Parkinson’s symptoms were getting worse quickly, and her birthday was on 17 September (the day before our anniversary).

I deeply wanted to be by her side at this time. She was facing so many fears and uncertainties as she became able to do less and less for herself.

As I was trying to hold both of these possibilities, at first I thought, “This is a paradox. I want to be here, and I want to be there, at the same time. Both are true.”

But then, as we talked, I realised it wasn’t a paradox….it was a dilemma. Whichever option I chose, there was a painful drawback.

Staying here meant missing precious time with my mom. Going there meant missing our beautiful garden, and celebrating our 20th Anniversary together.

That little conversation sparked some reflections for me: what’s the difference between a paradox, a dilemma, and a conundrum? And how can EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) help when we’re caught in these kinds of inner tangles?

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What’s the Difference?

A Paradox is when two contradictory things are both true. For instance, “I feel fragile and strong at the same time.” Or, “This is the hardest and most beautiful season of my life.” A paradox is less about choosing, more about holding both truths.

A Dilemma is a situation with two (or more) options, each of which has drawbacks. Like my September question: should I stay in the UK or travel to South Africa? Neither felt completely right. Both had unpleasant consequences I didn’t want. I could only have one of them.

A Conundrum is a puzzle that feels hard to untangle. It’s confusing, often because the way forward isn’t clear at all. For example, “I don’t know whether to leave my job or stay, because I don’t even know what else I’d do.” (I faced that one in 1996–97!)

All three can leave us feeling torn, anxious, or stuck. And as Highly Sensitive People, we may feel the weight of these inner conflicts even more intensely, because we tend to process deeply and hold a lot of responsibility in our hearts.

I didn’t want to disappoint my mother, and I also didn’t want to miss out on our garden, and I also didn’t want to miss precious celebrations with my husband, nor leave him to all the household and garden responsibilities while he was working hard at his teaching jobs. I wanted to be in both places, with both people… and that wasn’t possible. Ugh.

Why They Feel So Stressful

Our nervous systems don’t like uncertainty. Being caught in a loop of “this or that,” or “both are true,” or “I just don’t know” can keep us awake at night. We may feel pressure to find the “right” solution, guilt for whichever side seems neglected, or grief that we can’t have it all.

I discovered that EFT can be a powerful support in these circumstances.

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Here are a few ways you can use tapping when you’re stuck in these situations:

1. Tapping to Acknowledge Both Sides

Give voice to each part of the conflict.

“Even though part of me longs to stay here in the UK, another part of me longs to be with my mom, and I feel torn, I deeply and completely accept myself.”

Then do a few tapping rounds to give voice to each of the sides. This helps each side feel heard, rather than silenced. Often, that simple acknowledgement can reduce the inner tug-of-war.

2. Tapping for the Stress of Not Knowing

Sometimes the hardest part isn’t the choice, but the discomfort of being in limbo. I definitely felt this as I was battling to make a decision for many weeks.

“Even though I don’t have clarity yet, and that makes me anxious, I allow myself to soften into this space of not knowing.”

Tapping here calms the nervous system, so you can rest in uncertainty without panic.

3. Tapping on the Emotional Burden

Behind dilemmas, paradoxes, or conundrums are often big emotions: grief, guilt, longing, frustration. Oh my gosh, yes — so much grief about missing out, guilt about disappointing one or both of my precious people, longing to be with mom, frustration and annoyance that I couldn’t have it all and that I had to make this hard choice.

“Even though I feel sad that I can’t be in both places at once, I choose to have compassion for all the parts of me.”

Releasing these emotions makes room for clearer thinking. When they’ve all been acknowledged and heard (like a small child), we can think more clearly and make better decisions. Our inner parent can then surface and be gentle with all the parts, and make wiser choices.

4. Tapping to Open Possibility

When we’re stuck, it can feel like there are only two rigid options. As if life provides only black and white! I read this morning about ‘The Tyranny of the OR’ and ‘The Genius of the AND’. Tapping can create space for creative solutions we hadn’t thought of yet.

“Even though I can’t see a good solution right now, I’m open to fresh perspectives and new possibilities.”

Often, when the stress eases, insights bubble up.

EFT may not hand us an instant answer. But it does something so important: it softens the tension we feel inside. We can move from a state of tight, anxious holding on into a calmer, more compassionate space. And in that space, clarity has a much better chance to emerge.

For me, with my September dilemma, tapping didn’t magically let me be in two places at once.

But it did help me sit with the sadness (and grief, longing, guilt, frustration), acknowledge both sides, and stay open to creative possibilities. (Maybe there was a way to do part of each. Perhaps my husband could visit us for the week of our Anniversary. Or I could ask a good friend to be a bean-and-apple steward while I was away.)

The point is, the choice felt lighter when I approached it with compassion rather than pressure to make ‘the one right decision’.

Next time you find yourself in a paradox, dilemma, or conundrum, I’d invite you to do a few rounds of tapping. You may not solve it instantly — but you will create breathing space inside. And from that calmer place, your own wisdom can whisper the next step.

If you need an example of how to do this, see if this fits for you. Always change the words so it feels authentic to you.

Start with a deep breath in and out. Let it out like a sigh. Notice where the tension sat in your body when you thought about your dilemma or paradox. Give it a number from 0–10 (where 10 = most intense). Then start tapping on the side of your hand:

Setup Statements (repeat 3 times)

“Even though part of me wants to stay here, and another part of me wants to be with my mom, and I feel so torn, I deeply and completely accept myself.”
>“Even though I can’t be in both places at once, and that feels so painful, I choose to have compassion with myself.”
>“Even though I don’t know what the right choice is, I allow myself to be gentle with myself in this moment.”

Reminder Phrases (tap through the points: top of head, eyebrow, side of eye, under eye, under nose, chin, collarbone, under arm)

Eyebrow: “So torn inside.”
Side of eye: “I want to be here.”
Under eye: “And I want to be there.”
Under nose: “I can’t do both.”
Chin: “This sadness and pressure.”
Collarbone: “I don’t know how to choose.”
Under arm: “All this stress in my body.”
Top of head: “It feels impossible.”

(Do one, two or more rounds here, until you feel a little calmer. You don’t have to use these exact words. It’s better to use your own… what did you think and feel about your own situation? Just talk to yourself, and tell your truth.)

Transition Phrases (bringing in possibilities)

Eyebrow: “Maybe I don’t have to solve it right this second.”
Side of eye: “I can give myself space.”
Under eye: “I can allow both sides of me.”
Under nose: “And let the answer unfold.”
Chin: “I don’t have to carry all the pressure.”
Collarbone: “I choose to soften just a little.”
Under arm: “What if I allowed some breathing space?”
Top of head: “I’d like to be open to fresh ideas.”

Closing Round (an example — depending on what your situation is)

“Even though I still feel some sadness and confusion, I also feel a little calmer. I honour how much I care — that’s what makes this hard. And I give myself permission to rest in not knowing for now.”

Complete another round – even tapping in silence – to let this settle.

Take another deep breath, let it out like a big sigh. Check your number again. What happened with the intensity? Even a small drop matters.

Often, when the stress eases, clarity begins to emerge all by itself. Tense emotion makes it hard to see, know and act on what’s best for us.

I used tapping for this dilemma… and yes, I booked my ticket for South Africa and was there for the whole of September even though I still didn’t know the whole road or what exactly would happen on our Anniversary. There was enough clarity and calmness to know that somehow, it would all work out and be okay.

I wish you a lovely exploration, seeing how EFT can support you to firstly ‘be with’ those hard choices, and then gently, slowly gain clarity as you work your way through the layers.

Where have you been faced with a difficult choice, paradox, conundrum or dilemma? Can you try a few rounds of EFT? What do you notice afterwards?