How often do you check in with what you need, and permit yourself to have that?

I’m not talking about all the whimsical cravings, wants, and desires we have multiple times a day. Like another piece of chocolate or buying yet another book for our bedside table collection (all me, lol).

Let’s get on the same page first.

What is a need?

In psychology, a “need” refers to a basic requirement essential for our survival, well-being, or personal growth. Needs drive our behaviour and influence how we prioritise and make decisions.

Psychologists often categorise needs into different levels, from fundamental physiological needs (like food, water, and shelter) to higher-level needs associated with self-fulfilment and personal growth.

Four examples of needs

One example is Abraham Maslow’s famous hierarchy of needs.

Then there’s also Tony Robbins’s model of the 6 basic human needs. I described this in my book (No Problem. The Upside of Saying No.) in more detail. These are:

• Security/comfort
• Variety/spice
• Significance
• Love/connection
• Growth
• Contribution

Then, we also each encounter needs that might change because of external situations and demands. For instance, if a child or parent is ill and we’re temporarily a care-giver, we might temporarily need more sleep than usual to keep functioning well.

An interesting category is the needs that arise from our CliftonStrengths. For instance, People with the strength of FOCUS need quiet time and space to focus. If they are interrupted often, their ‘FOCUS’ simply cannot do its job. That’s very frustrating and does not improve their mood and well-being. Not being able to use our strengths drains our energy.

Aren’t needs a bit… needy?

I can remember the first time I heard about ‘needs’ from my EFT Training Partner, beautiful Laurie Adams. She asked me the question at the end of an EFT session: “What do you need now, Liesel?”

Gosh, I almost felt sick to the stomach. That sounded so weak and well, needy.

I was shocked. You see, I’d always been more focused on others’ needs. That comes from both programming plus genes (a similar mom), childhood experiences, and strengths that developed as a result. I learned in childhood to suppress my needs and focus on others. Deep patterns often come from a combination of factors, not just one thing.

It came as a real shock to me that we all have needs (and are allowed to have them!), whether we are aware of them or not.

What happens when we’re not aware of nor heed them?

When we ignore our needs, it can have both immediate and long-term impacts on our physical and psychological well-being. Each type of need, from basic physiological ones to higher psychological needs, plays a specific role in our health, happiness, and functionality. Ignoring or denying them is never a good idea.
We cannot give ourselves what we need if we’re not even aware they exist and pay attention to them.

I recently read a chapter in a sweet book “How to Be Your Own Therapist” (by Owen O’Kane), where he recommends a daily check-in with yourself on multiple levels. This brief daily morning check-in can really help us meet those immediate and long-term needs. That means we contribute to our own well-being and not leave it up to others to notice or comply with our needs.

Conflict often arises when the needs of everyone in a relationship aren’t being met.

At the end of the article, I’ll share a lovely daily ritual you can use or adapt.

A personal example

I’ve been an EFT practitioner/coach for 17 years and have received many sessions with other practitioners. And yet I still have a way to go with recognising my needs.

I have to keep reminding myself it’s not selfish to have them. They’re normal and vital for our well-being and health, which spills over to others!

After a bout of COVID in September 2024, I was left with fatigue that I just couldn’t shake. That’s so annoying when there is so much to do, right? I had to postpone a workshop and a few client sessions to get the rest my body needed, and still, it was not enough.

Just for a bit of added pressure, we were going to South Africa for 6 weeks over December and January. There’s always a boatload to plan and organise for such a trip. I had to crack on… but it felt impossible to drag this body around to do those things.

To take a step back or not

Eventually, this pesky fatigue made me also feel like stepping away from my business for the remaining six weeks of my year (before our departure). It felt necessary and relieving to consider only keeping appointments with current clients for the rest of the year. I simply didn’t want to be at my computer for anything else — marketing, writing, accounting, replying to emails, all the many bits and pieces it takes to run a business.

But… do you know how hard it was to make that decision?

“I can’t just not do all those other things… there will be consequences! My business will come to a standstill! It’ll die if I don’t keep turning the wheel. What will people think if I just sort of disappear? The inbox is piling up! That’s irresponsible!”

So many voices, so much internal criticism, and reasons why I couldn’t just do that.

We sometimes need to get it from elsewhere

Slowly, it dawned on me I needed permission from someone else because I just couldn’t give it to myself. Even though I desperately wanted to, strong inner forces stopped me. The quiet little voice asking for time off, just wasn’t loud or strong enough.

There were so many ‘have-to, should and musts’ programmed into me over many years, from multiple places, including a strong inner sense of Responsibility. In fact — it’s one of my CliftonStrengths, and strengths don’t just disappear when we ask them to pipe down!

Feeling ‘should, must, have to’ is also a sign that we’re probably in the fight or flight response.

There’s a bit of a pushy, controlling energy in there, can you feel it? Hardly anyone ever does the things they ‘should’ do. Often the ‘musts’ or ‘have-tos’ have me feeling angry or annoyed — I resist and fight them tooth and nail.

Support and permission

Fortunately, I have an amazing support network. I pay for some, and others are colleagues and friends. I have learned to use that network more often when I struggle, because heaven knows, I’ve done a lot of struggling all by myself. It’s not productive nor pleasant!

After two fruitful conversations with mentors (thank you Penny and Caroline!), I felt enormous relief. They both said the same thing: “You need rest. Take it. Your body can’t get this ‘upgrade’ if you’re going 100 miles an hour. Sometimes we need to step back to see the bigger picture to plan something different. Permission, permission, permission.”

Phew. I ‘needed’ to hear that!

That’s when I cancelled a few more sessions and put on hold other obligations. I finally had permission to give my body, mind, and soul what was needed.

Strange how it works…

The weirdest thing was: after only a few days of resting when I needed to during the day, having longer, slow walks and less computer time, my energy and enthusiasm gradually started to return.

I didn’t need even 1 full week, certainly not 6! How fascinating!

I didn’t force myself to do anything, yet day by day, my motivation returned. I found myself naturally doing things because I wanted to, and not because I had to.

Four days before my ‘Tapping for a Lighter Life’ workshop, I was still pondering canceling. My energy was flat, and I found it hard to prepare. Just 2 days before the workshop, a few more people registered and I suddenly had the oomph, energy, and inspiration to prepare. It turned out to be a lovely experience, with beautiful participants and open hearts.

Insights

Sometimes, the pressure of all our tasks (obligations, responsibilities, and the like) puts us in fight-or-flight mode. When we’re stressed and in the sympathetic nervous system state, we operate from a place of ‘should, must and have to’. Parts of us might resist all that pressure and push back… which means even more fighting/fleeing.

But when we’re calm and in the parasympathetic state, we do things from ‘I can. I want to. It’s possible.’ We can hear our own needs more clearly and respond to them with respect and love.

Three tips for Permission to [Rest]

(Replace what’s in the [ ] with your personal need)

#1: Empathy

If you’re in a similar position, first — my empathy. Been there, done that too many times to count.

Please go ahead and first shower yourself with as much compassion, kindness, gentleness and empathy as you can muster. This is not laziness. Sometimes else is going on, and it may be that your situation is very different from mine. But situations (and we) usually don’t change if we’re hard and judgmental on ourselves.

Change happens in a safe space, not when we’re feeling criticised (even by ourselves).

#2: Get in touch with your needs

It could take courage, patience, and perhaps a little time to get in touch with these if you’re not used to it. The book I referred to earlier has this lovely exercise that you can do every morning:

Start your day with a 4-minute check-in.

Minute 1: Ask yourself: How am I doing today?

Do this for your physical body, emotionally, mentally. Briefly check in on each level. Jot it down if you want.

Minute 2: Ask yourself: What do I need today?

As a result of the check-in in Minute 1, maybe you need some more self-care, or a walk earlier in your day, or a call with a friend, or an hour of quiet-time, or an extra nap, or to get an email off your list first thing. Or postpone something for when you have more capacity.

The more you do this, the more you’ll start becoming aware of your needs. And then please — do take care of those needs of yours. When we take care of our needs, we function better, and therefore so much in our lives work better too. We’re easier to get along with, others benefit from this — and we set an example for our loved ones, too.

Minute 3: Gratitude and Intention.

Think of a few small things that you’re grateful for. Gratitude reminds us of what we DO have, and there’s usually a lot we overlook. And do this with zero shame that others have it worse than you. Then, set a brief intention for your day. It doesn’t mean the day will always go that way, but it’s often more useful than aimlessly floating through the day. Write a word or two on a Sticky Note and put it somewhere to remind yourself of that intention. Simple ones are best: for instance, ‘Simple’ is a great reminder for me when I start complicating things, to return to this value and desire of mine.

Minute 4: Grounding.

Steady your body and mind for the day ahead. Although it says ‘1 minute’ of course you could stay with this longer as you need. Do something like a meditation, 2 minutes of EFT tapping, deep breathing, listen to a song you love, do a Vagus nerve exercise. There are many ways to ‘steady’ yourself — find what works for you.

#3: Your shoulds and have-to’s

If you’re feeling like me a while ago, that things are piling up too much and you need a 6-week break, try these few questions.

1. Make a list of all the things you think you should, must or have to do.
2. Next to each item, write down what you notice when you think about it. Does it create a pleasant or unpleasant feeling or emotion? Thinking carefully, does that feeling push you away from doing it or draw you closer?
3. Identify which tasks you can give yourself permission to postpone or delegate.
4. Feel the relief that comes with giving yourself permission.
5. If you can’t give yourself permission right now, think about what you need to get there. Do you need someone else’s approval? A conversation? Maybe some EFT tapping to calm your mind first, before making any decisions?

Summary:

I’m not yet back to 100% energetic. I still have little bouts of the fatigue that spills over into low motivation to tackle tasks. I AM more aware now that my body, mind or emotions might need something that I’m not providing. And I try to ask, listen and give myself permission more often to do something fun like a walk, listen to music I love, or read a book even for 30 minutes.

It’s a journey! I’m learning, just as you might be.

It’s really unpleasant to be in this space of low energy and ‘I don’t want to’. It can originate from many different roots and most often it’s not laziness! We can get curious about what’s going on under the surface. So often, we really have no idea of how much we are carrying, and what we need to be able to meet life’s demands.