It’s comical to notice how often we want other people to change.
Sometimes we think we know what’s good for the other and we’ll say things like “I want them to do this or that because it will be good for them.”
Of course, we do it from a well-meaning place. Sadly, our well-meaning intention can be misguided or plain wrong for that person.
Fictional examples:
“I want her to stop smoking – for her own health’s sake!”
Of course, we know that smoking is not good for a person’s health, and it can lead to serious disease. The above is well-meant for that person’s health. But if we check underneath, we may well find that actually, we hate the smell of smoking, the money they spend on it, we can’t stand kissing someone with smoke-breath, and if she gets sick…. what will the impact be on me?
Another example:
“I want him to stop working so late because he needs more sleep.”
Obviously, getting more sleep will be beneficial for his health. I can see he’s tired during the day, and I worry about his wellbeing. Ultimately though, if we check underneath, we’re irritated that our own sleep is interrupted when he comes to sleep late. We’re frustrated because we’re tired in the morning. And if he doesn’t change and does get sick, it will influence us too.
The truth of thoughts and feelings
If we can look at the truth behind our thoughts and feelings in relationships, it mostly revolves around our own happiness and well-being.
We want the other person to change, so that we can be more comfortable, happier and more at peace.
That is why relationships of any kind (intimate, friendships, family) is the very best training ground to get to know ourselves, our deepest desires, the truth about ourselves… if we are willing to delve deep and look into the places where most people dare not.
Especially so for sensitive introverts
We may be a tad more influenced by other people’s habits, behaviour and choices. We might feel their frustration, anger or sadness intensely and therefore be even more uncomfortable… and therefore desire them to change with more fervour.
However!
What’s the purpose of relationships?
One thing it’s not is to get others to change so we can be comfortable. If we dare look deeply at our own true intention and desire, we can use what we find as incredible growth tools.
As a sensitive introvert, we have exquisite sensing ability. And yes, it can be darn uncomfortable.
It also gives us the exact tools to start tuning into our own growth opportunities. Our sensitivity can be our ally for our growth, learning and evolving into wiser beings.
That’s what the Earth needs right now, I believe…
Wisdom, caring and love from a deeper place.
Not a place of “Please do what I want you to so I can be more comfortable” – but rather…
“Let me listen to my own discomfort and heal the source of that.”
So that I can be more available to those who need wisdom, compassion and love.
What a beautiful thought, “Let me listen to my own discomfort and heal the source of that.”
So that I can be more available to those who need wisdom, compassion and love.”
Thanks for your thoughtful comment, Alison!
I’m very aware of having done the “if only they would change, they would be perfect for me” thing! 🙂
I’ve also been on the receiving end of that – being subtly, or not so subtly, manipulated into being what someone else wants to keep the peace. It is a compromise that creates mental anguish and physical pain. Not recommended!
Thanks so much for your thoughtful comment Claire! I can totally identify with both sides too, all the mental anguish around it… so familiar with it. It’s so darn uncomfortable to be manipulated, and often that person is not fully conscious of the impact. I’ve become more aware of my tendency to comply – my next growing edge!